Help!
by Trisana Tennant
Summary: Roy may not like cats but what is he to do when he finds out exactly how much like one he really is? Neko and Fem!Ed AU.
1. Chapter 1

**This is an interesting AU, I was playing around with the Hetalia wiki and found an article on one of my favorite segments: Neko!Talia. That's right, cats. I started laughing as I was wondering what would happen if there were cat versions of FMA characters roaming around. So I had my Fem!Ed get a cat version of herself and thought she would be lonely. Then I remembered, it was either Aztec or Mayan, but they predicted that this century will end with a rain of cats that use fire. That probably means something entirely different but it made me evil grin… a cat Roy Mustang would do the trick.**

**So, ready for the saga of Ed Cat and Roy Cat? Too bad, you're about to get it anyways.**

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><p>The office of Roy Mustang had been rather quiet since Edwarda Elric quit. Maes Hughes dropped by whenever possible to fill the noisy gap. Not even Roy minded the noise his best friend made. One such time, Maes looked up as Edwarda walked in. "Hey, Ed!"<p>

"Hello everybody but Mustang!" She cheered.

They all gave Roy's office door a look but it remained shut. He hadn't heard or he ignored her. "How are you doing, Ed?" Riza Hawkeye asked.

"Fine, but the strangest thing happened last week. I was thinking about cats and then my side was paining me. I looked down and there was a cat on the floor, a golden eyed calico."

"Ed Cat?" Maes asked.

"Yeah. I went shopping for stuff to take care of her and would up with double of everything so I put it aside just in case. I won't need cat food for a while." She blinked. "That reminds me, I got a book in about predictions of how the world will end and you know what one legend is?"

"Falman probably does," Heymans Breda remarked.

"Which one?" Vato Falman asked. "There's so many."

"I'm talking about the giant flaming kittehs of doom one."

"So, in other words," said Maes, "Roy Cat."

"Something like that," Ed admitted.

"What the hell?" Roy was heard shouting through the closed door. "A cat just came out of nowhere!"

Maes and Ed walked into his office as he came out, rubbing his scarred side. "It's an omen," said Maes.

Roy looked at him in confusion. They walked out again, Ed carrying a large domestic black cat. "It can't be," she said. "This guy's too small and there's only one of him."

"So Roy Cat isn't a sign of the end times?"

Both the cat and Roy blinked with the same black eyes. "We better keep an eye on him just in case he starts displaying the same abilities as his human counterpart, because if he does, it just may be so," Ed said thoughtfully.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Roy asked. "This cat is me and the end of the world?"

"I don't know about the end of the world part," Ed replied, "but yes, this is the cat version of you. What are you going to do with him?" A large black paw slapped her across the face. "No, bad Mustang Cat."

"I don't like cats, but even if I did, I still couldn't keep him," Roy told her. "My landlord doesn't allow pets."

"Fine then," said Ed. She got slapped again. "Stop that."

She lifted the displeased cat out of slapping range. "Meow!"

"You're a cat alright and I have a soft spot for cats. I'll take you in." She repositioned him. "Even if you are Mustang Cat."

"What was that supposed to mean?" Roy asked.

"You called me a bite-sized brownie last week."

"That was payback, half-pint?"

"I'm just going to leave now and pretend Colonel Mustard isn't out here. Bye, everybody else!" She left, the cat looking over her shoulder at them.


	2. Chapter 2

The next afternoon, Ed was putting away her groceries. Roy Cat jumped up on the counter. "Meow."

"Can it," she replied, grabbing a sack of canned goods and going into her pantry.

He padded along the counter, discovering a pack of fish and smelling it. Ed was putting the can away when there was a loud crash and a pained "meow…"

She emerged to find him backing away from the package now on the floor on three legs, the right front paw held up in the air. "What did you do?" she scolded, picking him up. He gave a strangled cry of protest. "Hush," she admonished, putting him back down on a table in the laundry room, taking the paw in question. "It's not broken, maybe a sprain. It could even be a strain. I'll tell you what though; we'll put a bandage around it so we know what paw it is and not hurt it again." He submitted to the bandaging and she carried him back into the kitchen. "You were better behaved than Ed Cat," she told him, surprised. He meowed at her. She laughed. "Alright." He started purring when she kissed the top of his head and licked her face. "Eww, Mustang Cat. That's gross."

"Meow," he complained when she put him down on the table. Her groceries had been put away and the fruit neatly arranged in a bowl.

She began counting. "Nine apples. I had bought ten." He sniffed one. "Don't even think about it." She put the loose one back into the bowl and stuffed it in the refrigerator. In the process, her back had been turned to the cat and when she returned, he was gone. "Where did you go?"

"Meow," he said from atop the toaster.

"That was fast. You must be a Basement Cat."

"Meow?"

"Basement cats are black and evil."

"I resent that remark!" Roy called out from her living room.

"You resemble that remark!" she shouted back. "Mamma Mia." She turned to the cat. "You! Get off the toaster!" The cat was picked up and put in the hallway. "Colonel Mustard!"

Roy walked into the kitchen, a mostly eaten apple in his left hand. "What?"

"Aren't you right handed?"

"Yes, but my right hand was suddenly injured less than ten minutes ago."

"Meow," said the cat.

"His fault," Ed said, pointing in the direction of the meow. "Anyways," the apple was taken and thrown away. "You owe me an apple. Thank you for putting up my groceries, call next time you want to drop by," she pushed him to the door, "and scram."

He left. "You're welcome!" He smiled at two young housewives as they passed him on the street.

"I wonder if the bookstore has opened yet?" One giggled.

"I do hope Ed has gotten that shipment of books we ordered in," the other replied.

"So Edwarda has opened a bookstore. I was hoping she couldn't find something successful to do and would have to come back," Roy muttered to himself. "I miss having her there to pick on."


	3. Chapter 3

**I have an excuse to write this chapter now. LOL. **

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><p>"It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday," Maes commented to Ed. He had decided to pay her book store a visit.<p>

Ed smiled. "I'm glad. Thank you," she said to the person who just walked up to the counter.

Riza paid for her books. "The history shelf needs repairing."

Ed sighed. There was a thud as a cat jumped up on the counter. "Meow," said Roy Cat, sitting down on the toolbox.

"You're in my way," he got picked up and moved. "I need help, badly."

"Elicia's starting school soon," said Maes. "Gracia will be free over the weekdays. Do you want me to ask?"

"Please?" She said , tiredly, as the black cat caught sight of something out the window and jumped off the counter, heading right towards the door. He leapt on the closest bookshelf to it. She groaned. "It must be them, his favorite customers, the trophy wives."

Riza shook her head as the two women walked in. They saw the cat first. "Aww! Were you waiting for us?"

"Meow."

"You're so cute!"

Ed's face twitched to match the faces of the other two. "He really is Mustang Cat. Normally, he ignores the customers but these two… they piss me off but whenever he's around when they are, they spend more and tell me to keep the change…. I suppose I should be grateful. The customers love him. They come in more often just to see him. I started selling food because some hang around for hours at a time. As long as they buy something, I'm happy." She came around the counter. "Could one of you run this for me for a while? At least the real thing isn't here. I'd be losing potential customers." She picked up the toolbox and walked off.

Maes took the counter over. "Maybe," he said to Riza, "but if Roy was seen around the place…"

"She'd be swamped," Riza replied. "She'd need more employees to deal with the crowd he'd draw in."

"She'll get the funds she needs to fix the place up." A harried looking woman appeared and Maes started checking the prices of her books. "Aren't you the one doing the comic strips about recent history?"

"Yeah," she said, startled.

"I'm a fan," he smiled. "Your total is 25 cenz. Sign here, please. Thank you. Have a fun filled day and a safe one.

She left as Ed returned. "Trade you my toolbox for that empty cardboard box there. Thanks." Now having the box, she took pen and paper and headed back off.

"I wonder what that was about."

Two children wandered up to the food counter. Riza tucked her purchases behind the counter and went over to help them. "See anything you like?

"Ms. Ed trades us 50 cents a piece for a slice of cake," the girl said.

"Does she?" They nodded as she pulled up two slices of cake.

"The icing is our favorite part," the boy said.

"Don't tell Ms. Ed this but I'll make you the same trade and give you more icing." She put a small spoonful of icing on both plates and gave it to them.

"Thank you, ma'am!" They gave her one cenz and skipped off.

"Thank you," she watched them sit down and eat their cake. "She almost has a perfect place for families and music would attract the teenagers."

Ed returned as Maes nodded. She had a box now full of books. "Here are the prices." She handed him the sheet of paper.

"Ooh," said the woman holding Roy Cat, who was giving Riza an innocent look when she glared at him. "That cake looks good. Two slices, please?"

"Add a cenz to that," Ed told Maes as the irate Lieutenant gave the two the thinnest slices she could find.

"106 cenz, please!" Maes said cheerfully.

"Here's 120. Keep the change!"

"Have a fun filled day and a safe one!"

The three went out the door. Ed returned a few minutes later with the plates on her head and the cat in her arms. "They tried to steal him!"

"Meow."

"Bugger to you, too."

"Meow!"

"You can't wash my mouth out with soap! You don't have thumbs! Besides I'm an adult now."

"Meow."

"Why you!"

Maes looked at them. "You can understand him?"

"No. I just listen for his tone of meow and ask myself 'What Would Mustang Say'?"

"Meow… Meow… Meow…"

"He's laughing at you," Maes said, having listened.

"I know. I guess somebody's going without dinner today." She put the cat on the counter and he began to wash a shoulder blade. "Plus a certain door will be closed overnight and a bucket of water will be waiting if you try to open it."

"Meow!" He jumped off the counter and ran back into the part of the place that Ed lived in.

"Then don't laugh at me…" She looked at the other two. "He likes to steal my pillow in the middle of the night."

"Roy really is like a cat in some respects," Maes commented.

"Don't let him hear you say that," Riza replied. "We need more cheesecake."

Ed ran off to get more food.

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><p>Roy let himself in at 6 pm on the dot. He made his way through the kitchen and into the living room. Maes and Riza were declining payment from Ed for helping out at the store. Roy Cat yawned at him and went to sleep on Ed's leg. He yawned and wandered back into the kitchen. That's where Riza and Maes caught him in her refridgator. "Colonel…" said Riza. "Get out of her refridgator."<p>

"What's he doing?" asked Ed

"He just drank all the apple juice right out of the container!" Maes called to her.

"Thanks, Hughes…" Roy muttered.

"MUSTANG!" Ed shouted.

"Meow?"

"I wasn't talking to you."

"Sir, you owe her apple juice," Riza told the bemused man.

"And a apple and a plate of blueberry pancakes and a bottle of maple syrup."

"I was hungry and I had a headache. I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet," Roy said in his defense.

"So you stole her pancakes?" asked Maes.

"I have to…" Roy sidled out.

As they left, they heard Ed call out "Mustang Cat is…"

A door shut. "Meow!"

"… In there."

"We're the same entity! It shouldn't matter!" Roy shouted.

"Meow!"

"It's not my fault your litter box is in the bathroom!"

"Meow!"

"Why are you so contrary?"

"Maybe because he's you!" Ed shouted at the door.

They walked out of hearing range then.


End file.
